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It is very common in international marriages to have conflict during the holiday season. Why? If you are married to an American, you may need to visit your family and your spouse’s family or more if your parents divorced and remarried. Consequently, you two have to divide the time and money to be fair to all of the families involved, such as visiting this family for Thanksgiving and visiting that family for Christmas. When you married to a foreigner and your in-laws live in a different country, you and your spouse would only visit your parents for holidays by default, since your spouse’s family is not here. Many people who have their family close by expressed their wish like this, "I want my spouse to fit into my family like a cookie cutter.” It is understandable for them to think that way since they don’t have in-laws nearby. How about your spouse’s situation? No matter how great your parents are and no matter how many times they said "She is one of our family and we love her,” holidays in foreign country are "foreign” to her and she won’t feel the festivity like you do. To see you happy and joyful among your relatives may make her feel isolated and lonely.

It is important for international married couples to think, discuss, and invent "our new version of dealing with in-laws”. For example, quarreling over expenses for Christmas shopping usually stems from the imbalance of the amount of money spent on the two families. If your Japanese wife is a housewife, this tendency increases. The wife feels she owes something to the husband since she doesn’t make money, therefore, she cuts back on buying gifts to her family. Some women even say, "Japanese people don’t exchange gifts among family members in Christmas” to save face of the husband. So it happens that you only buy gifts to your family. Over time, the wife feels it is unfair and feels resentment. She begins to think that her husband doesn’t care about her and her family.

The first rule of "our new version of dealing in-laws” is to figure out the next three to five years plan of visiting in-laws in which the time and the money spent on each family should be as fair as possible. If one family gets most of the time and money, the conflict with your spouse will be inevitable. Just as important as quantity is the quality of time spent only with your spouse. You and your spouse should be a good team. International marriages are different from same race marriages. You have to know that your in-laws are far away but they do exist. "Why can’t you be like us,” is easy to say but hard to do for a foreigner. Rather than expecting she would to the same as your family do, creating "our new way” of dealing with in-laws is the way to go. You and your spouse have to come up with "doable, reasonable, realistic, and healthy” ways to deal with your family and her family. If you can establish that and both of you can go home from in-laws with a smile on your face, then, you succeeded in big time.

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There are many American & Japanese couples whose relationship becomes dysfunctional after they came to the US. One reason is due to the big changes in each other’s roles and responsibilities. Because Japan was her country, she probably took leadership in dealing with day to day affairs, whereas you were living as a foreigner. In the US, the roles were reversed; she became a housewife with limited language skills and you became a leader in household.

The second reason is her multitude of losses by coming here: career, family, friends, and familiar environments. You seemed to adjust well to the Japanese society through hard work and that is why you helped her by finding English classes, teaching her to drive, and finding her friends. Why didn’t she respond to your efforts? In fact, her difficulties in adjustment are shared with many other foreigners who came to the US to live, because it was immigration, not a temporary living in a foreign soil like your experience in Japan. Yes, she did understand the move and agreed to come. It is her responsibility, too, to work hard to adjust to this country and it is possible as millions of immigrants did so in the past. However, it takes time. Give her at least three to five years. You can support her by 1) let her be, 2) respect her pace and speed, 3) praise and acknowledge her efforts even if small, 4) not to make fun of her limited level of English, and 5) not to assume her unhappiness is your fault.

The third reason for marriages becoming dysfunctional after coming to the US is communication difficulties. In many cases like yours, the husband and wife have completely different understandings and perspectives about their problems, but agree on one thing: the spouse doesn’t understand, appreciate, or care. These kind of discrepancies are due to the difference in communication styles between the US and Japan.

In Japan, you are taught and expected to put yourself in another person’s shoes. If you hint at something when a problem comes up, another person is supposed to read your mind and deal with the issue. It is expected to be more so in marriages. Japanese way of communicating is often indirect and non-verbal. Americans value assertiveness and their way of communicating is direct and verbal. So, in many Japanese- American marriages, the American spouse talks a lot and Japanese spouse shuts down. The American says, "I don’t understand my spouse," and the Japanese says, "All my spouse cares about is himself/herself." That explains why she uses strong words such as divorce when she gets mad, since she is not used to articulating her thoughts and in addition, she has limited English skills.

Understanding the cultural reasons for your struggle is the first step in making this marriage work. Another step is to learn to communicate better. Both sides have to modify their communication styles; you need to listen to her more with patience, rather than telling her what to do and what you think; and she needs to articulate her thoughts, rather than "to leave things up to you." Explain to her that she has to say what it is that she is upset about; otherwise you don’t fully understand her. If she says things like "You should know if you care enough," then tell her, "You are the only person who knows what you think and how you feel. You have to tell me because I love you and I want to know you." When you listen to her, be sure not to rush, not to criticize, not to persuade, and not to give advice. Some men think it is effeminate just to listen like this. However, your wife is thinking in Japanese ways, and the more you talk, the quieter she gets. You should listen to her patiently until she comes up with some ideas.

Lastly but very important, even during this challenging time, schedule fun things such as date nights and regular small trips to have good times as a couple. Good shared memories are going to be the foundation of marriage. When you face the hard times, you can weather them together as a team. You married to have a good life together, not to suffer and fight.

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In Japan, "a good wife and wise mother" is an ideal woman. From that standard, you are an exemplary woman since you have supported your entrepreneur husband, and raised two children who do well in the US and Japan. However, it is also Japanese traditional thinking that "good women" should be rewarded in their old age with happy and secure life by her family. Your frustration and anger are stemmed from the latter part of Japanese culture. You didn’t mind sacrificing a great deal for your family because you expected something wonderful later in your life, but that didn’t come. I have heard a lot of Japanese women in similar situations, say, "My husband does not do X for me," or "My friend is receiving so much Y from her son. But, my son does nothing for me."

As you probably know, Americans think very differently from Japanese. One of the big differences is your motivation to do things; Japanese are motivated because it is his/her duty according to the role of wife, first-born son, boss, subordinate, etc; Americans for the most part are motivated not because of role but because of individual goals. You did all the things for your family because you were a wife and a mother, but they think you did because you wanted to. It is not that they don’t appreciate you or they don’t value your contributions. They just don’t understand why you are not happy, since they think you have done what you wanted to do.

Sit down and think about what you want to do in your retirement life. When you do that, put yourself as the top priority, not your husband or children since you have done that for years. This is the time for you to have fun. And only you know what is fun for you. You should change your idea of "My husband and children should give me something for my hard work." to "I did all I could for my family. I am an excaellent woman. So, I am able to make myself happy." When you realize what you want to do, share them with your family. They will support you and be happy for you because they value individuality and respect your will to make your life happy. Taking a long trip to Japan, taking up some hobbies, inviting friends from Japan... Everything costs some money. Don’t feel bad to spend money for yourself, once your family supports your decision. Enjoy and have fun.

I hope you understand why your family said you have a negative attitude. If you keep acting this way, your family may avoid you rather than treat you kindly. When you regain control over your own life and enjoy your life, your speech and behavior will change. Your husband and children will naturally get closer to you, as you behave positively.